6 weeks later

Well its been exactly 6 weeks since we lost the baby. I had my appointment with my OB doctor today in follow up. Everything looked good, there was nothing extra to tell about what happened to the baby, he just said his umbilical cord was constricted. He didn't know if this was due to my antiphospholipid syndrome , or if it was just a fluke. My Blood pressure was very good today at 117/82. he was happy to hear about me joining the gym and setting goals to get healthier.

He told me he was content with my previous high risk doctor in Topeka, but he feels the doctors in Wichita will be much more proactive. He said they are in with KU med, and the are very good with the tough questions of the future. They can help him and my other doctors decide if having a child is something we can try for again, or SHOULD try again. Basically they will tell me will the benefit outweigh the risk if we decide for another. My previous high risk doctor was so optimistic which is good, but I need someone who will be REALISTIC also. I need someone to point me in the direction of some help with these big decisions. I am such a science/math person, I need numbers, percent's, chances. Yes, to hear that you can have a heart attack or stroke during pregnancy is scary, but what is the actual chance. 2% is much better than 45%. I just feel like I cant make an informed decision and be happy with it until I have some answers. I think that is the closure I need, at least for now. I should be hearing from the Maternal fetal Medicine clinic within the next couple of weeks to get scheduled.

Til then, I just keep going, just keep breathing and looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome

Click on the link above to see about the disorder that I have. I have had a lot of questions, so hope this helps. I would say I am the poster child for this lol

Working through the tangles

This week has been a great week so far. I feel like I have hit a new stage. A step higher and brighter. I feel myself smiling and joking around again. Getting more interest in hobbies and energy back. I just do one project a day. I've been focusing my time on work, and organizing around there. Trying to be effective and efficient. ha ha. I like my job, I have control over almost every aspect of it, I can be as OCD as I want. Its good for me to have something to focus my time on. I wish I could have this focus with cleaning the house. An unorganized house for me, means I have been busy doing things which is good.


My friend let me borrow a book called "When Empty arms become a Heavy Burden". I took it to the gym with me yesterday and walked for an hour on the treadmill with no problem at all. I couldn't believe how fast it went by. I was glued immediately. I couldn't believe how closely it related to my situation. It is very interesting to read, and incorporates the bible and teaching into it to help with acceptance. I read some more this morning, and am hoping to maybe finish it before Monday.

I have my 6 week follow up appointment coming up next week. Who knows if he has anything more to tell me about what happened or not. Hopefully not. And hopefully it was what it was. Im not sure what the future holds yet for our decision of children. Only time will tell. The Hematologist I am now seeing says it is possible if we would want to have children again in the future. I am going to look into Lovenox (blood thinner) at KU med and see if they have any assisatance with the cost. Lovenox is $3000 a month WITH insurance. If not, the Hematololgist also said they could have me get injections at the clinic and it would be billed differently and maybe help with the cost of the medication. Heparin is the blood thinner I was on, but I already have low platelets , and a side effect of the medication can cause low platelets, when Lovenox does not. If my platelets get too low I can bleed. I would need steroids to increase them. They couldn't switch to Lovenox once on Heparin, because risk of clotting goes up during "bridge time". Its a whole medical mess, and its not fair. I wish I didn't have to worry about any of it. I wish I could just be normal and never have to worry about any of it.... But such is life. Which is part of what that book includes. Im praying for the strength, and working on just living every day to its fullest.


Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives it ease,
And builds a heaven in hells despair.

- William Blake 1757-1827

Can you say anxiety!?

I was having a rather good day, decided to get online and look at instructional videos on how to improve my disc golf drive, and under my you tube I am logged in as myself so when searching through, there are recommended videos for me to watch based on my search history. So here I am watching disc golf and in the right hand side there is a video about someone having triplets, I of course click on the video after ignoring it for almost a month. I'm telling myself its may be helpful and "therapeutic". I watch the video and more options start popping up and there were two videos on there about people losing there babies, showed pictures, told the story etc. The last video I watched ended up ending with a picture of the husband, wife and baby at 15 weeks..... It started to make me think about how our son was only a few weeks older, meaning he looked about like that only more developed.... Instantly a rush of anxiety took over me. My heart rate instantly went up, I felt severely anxious and literally even felt like I was hyperventilating. I literally had to close the computer right away, get up walk around, get some water and a few big deep breaths. This is crazy, I cant believe it still hits  me like this. Luckily, I have Ativan for moments like these.... I am just now coming down from this unexpected overwhelming experience and it does make it better to write it out and realize what I need to add to my "needs work" list. Step 1, don't look at You Tube videos about pregnancy loss!!!

I thought through the whole process all over again, almost wishing I would have seen him but also realizing I am glad I didn't, who knows how I would be if I had. I am slowly starting to process all aspects of this experience in extreme detail until I can not wrack my brain with it anymore... Going to the gym has been very helpful . Ive gone 9/12 days and get on the cardio machine, turn up the music and go. I have been going minimum of an hour, and I am amazed at how much doing cardio and listening to music will get me thinking. Im realizing the gym is a good place to sort out thoughts, and any time I get angry or sad  I just pedal harder and faster...