Thursday, February 28, 2013

Mumbo Jumbo

I've gone to the gym 8 days of  14. I have found it to be very good for me. I get on any cardio machine, turn up the music and just go. I think through my day, my week, and everything else I have on my mind. When I get mad about our situation recently I just pedal  harder and faster. I will get closer to the healthy me. Im doing a lot of sorting still.... not only physically organizing , but my thoughts and ideas also. Ive gone into work a couple hours here and there this week just trying to get myself organized. Its been a slow work in progress, maybe only one to two phone calls a day and that's enough. Im realizing its hard to talk about much still. Im tired all the time still, I hope that gets better with time, and hopefully the exercise helps too. An hour a day of cardio should be plenty a day to keep the doctors away!

Friday, February 22, 2013

The journey continues ...

Its been awhile since I have been on here. There has been so much going through my head that I wish I would journal, and yet I haven't. Im doing better....being in a normal routine again is good. Keeps my mind busy. Another dear friend of Mine recently lost a baby in their family at 21 weeks. When I heard it broke my heart all over again.....I still think about our baby everyday. Still think about what it would be like, how far along I would be today, etc.... It all doesn't make it any easier. I still have my days, and ended up in tears the other night when I was out. One of Shauns friends didn't know, and when I told her I just lost it. I wasn't sobbing or anything, just could not hold the tears back no matter what I did. I still have days of seclusion and being down, but for the most part I feel like I have a good grip on everything.

I got a gym membership about a week ago. Ive gone a couple times, and look forward to getting myself healthier. They offer lots of classes and stuff, so I plan on taking plenty. I am also starting to get my medical bills. The 3k I put away for delivery, has turned into over 3k in shitty bills. Luckily my MRI was fine, they finally got my headache to go away with medication. Life has returned to what it was. Ive hung out with friends a couple of times, and have so many thoughts of the future. Plans for Shaun and I. Trips, vacations, houses etc.

The last thing I have decided to work on is my spiritual journey. Lately I have totally lost all faith and pleasure in faith. Not by choice, but I cant help it. I prayed every single day that passed and yet it wasn't good enough. When my aunt came out, she later emailed me and said " One of the more important gifts Grandma had to share was her faith, It helped make lifes journey joyful".  This really made me think I need put some effort back in my faith, but remember that I cant bargain with God, and need to be prepared that we may never have kids, no matter how much I pray. But maybe finding peace will help with any path I am sent.... 

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Look what I found

I realized I forgot to write about this, but I just thought I would share....


I was recently talking to my grandma about everything, life, doubt, faith, etc.... She was telling me that my sister had won her court case with my nephews custody and how they had prayed and prayed about it for months and years and now its finally happened. Anyway, my Grandma was saying all these little signs she was noticing, and the most interesting was she said she keeps finding little tiny white feathers in the weirdest places, and she cant figure out where they are coming from. She said she feels its a sign that angels are watching over them. There is no other explanation for the feathers.  The next day I was cleaning up the house literally all day, and when I went to clean the coffee table I looked down and this is what I see...

 
I was astonished! Here I am talking to my Grandma in Aurora, Colorado about this yesterday and here this is today. I got very excited and sent this picture to my sister. I mentioned to her what Grandma was telling me about the feathers, and she sends back a message with the following picture!!! She was in Parker Colorado when she sent this....
 
 
Now this very well could be a very big coincidence, but I just had to share!!
 

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Pushing into God

My Dad, aunt and cousin came out this weekend to see us. To be here to help be supportive. It was so good to see them. I went to see my Hematologist on Friday, and he is very hopeful that if we decide to try again in the future he thinks we can be successful, and we would need to just change the doseage of my medications again, and maybe use more blood thinner, even if that was not the problem in the pregnancy. I have not yet had my follow up with my OB doctor about what the pathology report showed. At birth it appeared it was just the umbilical cord, but just to make sure they will send our little one to find out....

I can definitely tell the Lexapro has started to work, and I started back to work last Wednesday and it was good to be busy and keep my mind busy. My physician is very understanding and also is concerned about how Shaun is doing. It is hard to see patients come in with their kids and babies, but I have been able to handle it ok. I finally got EVERYTHING that reminded me of the baby put away in our closet. I dried out the flowers we got from everyone and put some of the best looking ones in the box they gave us with the blanket and other reminders. It literally turned my stomach, and definitely increased my heart rate just doing this. It made me very anxious as well. This signals to me I still have  a long way to go, but Im making it.

I was talking with Dad last night about how unfair it is, and how mad I am about my beliefs and faith right now. It seems all I did was pray and ask for prayers and yet we still ended up how we did. My Dad reminded me that its ok to be angry, but do not push AWAY from God, but push INTO him in times like this.  Maybe one day it will make sense to me, but right now it doesn't. Im going to do my best, but I know it is going to be a process. I have a few books I plan to review on pregnancy loss, and my bible.....just need to pull them out and use them. Ive also had a friend refer me to one of her friends that went through the same thing. I think maybe talking with her will help. I also joined an online pregnancy loss blog that I think is helpful. Its comforting to know that the way I feel is normal , and it is very sad to know so many woman experience this, but also comforting knowing I am not the only one.

In the meantime, I am planning on getting a gym membership and getting in the best shape I can. I don't know if we will try again, but if we do I want to be as healthy as possible so I can have a successful pregnancy.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Acceptance

When I woke up this morning the first thought that went through my head is it is true, he is gone. But I seem to have a better grip on the fact now. All my dreams of what he would look like, what kind of parents we will be etc... are all still there, they are just back to dreams, and not the reality of our future. I was finally able to put everything away that reminded me of the baby. I have it all in a box in our extra bedroom so hopefully one day in the near future I can pull it out again.

So many thoughts are going through my head.... Do we try again, can we try again, will my doctor allow me to try again. Most of all I wonder with this happen again? Am I able to put myself through this one more time? 3 losses is just to the point of too much. Sometimes I feel like if I couldn't get pregnant at least I would never have to feel that pain. ... But something inside of me tells me when the time is right we may have one more chance. Theres a lot of things I could still change for the better in my life, and maybe at some point we will be totally prepared. ...

The other thought that crosses my mind is will my doctors let me try again? Im at so high risk with every attempt. My blood can clot so much thicker and faster when your pregnant, risk for stroke quadruples in my case. Id need to get my blood pressure under control for sure. Ive been monitoring it at home, and it seems to be running ok. I do have a headache that I have been dealing with for about a month now. The pain is always in the same spot, and doesn't ever seem to ease up unless I take a ton of Tylenol and lay down. When I do lay down it gets worse. I have an MRI scheduled tomorrow. I am confident nothing is wrong, but it is still scary....

Saturday, February 2, 2013

And so it kicks in....

The past few days have been horrible. I can literally feel my body moving back into its original state. I had purchased a few small things over the past few months. these items were still laying around the house, and I had to face the fact I don't get to use them. I finally got myself to take the "memory box" they gave us from the hospital from the car. The little 10x10 baby blue box..... Inside they gave us a blue blanket, little knit hat and crib card. Weight 80 grams, Height 6.5 inches. My hormones are normalizing and reality is kicking in. All that goes through my head is I should have gone in sooner, they could have caught the cord twisting, when in reality I guess this happens a lot, and some mothers lose their babies at 30+ weeks. Ive spent the past few days wandering around the house, trying to straighten out my thoughts and sleeping. My husband is making sure I at least eat while he is here. He also made me get out of the house today to run some errands. It was little, but it was needed. Im trying to get enough umph to return some phone calls. Im just not ready to talk about it or much of anything else, so please don't take it personal. ... I did go to see my doctor and nurse manager yesterday. He basically forced me to come see him, but it was good for me. I cried as soon as my friend blew me a kiss. I felt so much support when I went in though, Im taking a whole week off so I can gather my thoughts. Ive been pretty pissed off at the world lately, so mad at how things work out, really having some issues with my faith right now.