Another day goes by ...Day 2

I woke up today with nothing but emptiness inside. My baby is gone. Left behind as we came home. Gone. All the dreams I had went right out the window. All Shaun's dreams shattered. I cant even pick up my phone to call anyone. I just want to be alone with my husband. Don't take it personal. I didn't enjoy every moment of the pregnancy like I had wanted. I had too many other concerns. School, money, death. The umbilical cord was obviously what caused the stillbirth, but I read that cord knots can be from high blood pressure. Something I was dealing with especially the last week. What if I had not gone to school, and just kept taking my time. The week I started school was the week I lost the baby. Is it my fault, was school too stressful even to just think about?

My body is starting to go back to its normal size, and I now notice all the areas that got bigger, because they are now shrinking. I miss the feeling of life in my belly, to know that I was giving life to something. All I want to do is try again. But what if that one turns out the same? I don't know how many times I can go through this heartache. I just want a baby of my own, one of Shaun's own, Someone to call ours. To engrain all of our thoughts and life lessons into.

The first day

I woke up this morning, hoping it was all a dream. I got up to go to the bathroom and was quickly reminded it is not a dream. But the aftermath of a nightmare. Our baby boy is gone. I thought I had been doing so good. I had to just go and sob alone in the bathroom. I am trying to be strong for Shaun too. He is handling it very well, and usually doesn't show any emotion. But I know he has to hurt inside. Him and his mom saw our baby after the surgery in the NICU. A choice he said he instantly regreted. He didn't want me to see him, as he knew it would cause severe heartache. We laughed together some today, cuddled and were just there for each other. Started my Lexapro today, hopefully that will kick in soon. Im going to have a hard time going back to work, I doubt I will continue on in school. Im at a place in my life that I am happy where I am at. I don't need to anymore schooling to get what I want. All I really want is a family of our own. ...... And if I could go back and do it all agaian I would have never started school.