Acceptance

When I woke up this morning the first thought that went through my head is it is true, he is gone. But I seem to have a better grip on the fact now. All my dreams of what he would look like, what kind of parents we will be etc... are all still there, they are just back to dreams, and not the reality of our future. I was finally able to put everything away that reminded me of the baby. I have it all in a box in our extra bedroom so hopefully one day in the near future I can pull it out again.

So many thoughts are going through my head.... Do we try again, can we try again, will my doctor allow me to try again. Most of all I wonder with this happen again? Am I able to put myself through this one more time? 3 losses is just to the point of too much. Sometimes I feel like if I couldn't get pregnant at least I would never have to feel that pain. ... But something inside of me tells me when the time is right we may have one more chance. Theres a lot of things I could still change for the better in my life, and maybe at some point we will be totally prepared. ...

The other thought that crosses my mind is will my doctors let me try again? Im at so high risk with every attempt. My blood can clot so much thicker and faster when your pregnant, risk for stroke quadruples in my case. Id need to get my blood pressure under control for sure. Ive been monitoring it at home, and it seems to be running ok. I do have a headache that I have been dealing with for about a month now. The pain is always in the same spot, and doesn't ever seem to ease up unless I take a ton of Tylenol and lay down. When I do lay down it gets worse. I have an MRI scheduled tomorrow. I am confident nothing is wrong, but it is still scary....