Pushing into God

My Dad, aunt and cousin came out this weekend to see us. To be here to help be supportive. It was so good to see them. I went to see my Hematologist on Friday, and he is very hopeful that if we decide to try again in the future he thinks we can be successful, and we would need to just change the doseage of my medications again, and maybe use more blood thinner, even if that was not the problem in the pregnancy. I have not yet had my follow up with my OB doctor about what the pathology report showed. At birth it appeared it was just the umbilical cord, but just to make sure they will send our little one to find out....

I can definitely tell the Lexapro has started to work, and I started back to work last Wednesday and it was good to be busy and keep my mind busy. My physician is very understanding and also is concerned about how Shaun is doing. It is hard to see patients come in with their kids and babies, but I have been able to handle it ok. I finally got EVERYTHING that reminded me of the baby put away in our closet. I dried out the flowers we got from everyone and put some of the best looking ones in the box they gave us with the blanket and other reminders. It literally turned my stomach, and definitely increased my heart rate just doing this. It made me very anxious as well. This signals to me I still have  a long way to go, but Im making it.

I was talking with Dad last night about how unfair it is, and how mad I am about my beliefs and faith right now. It seems all I did was pray and ask for prayers and yet we still ended up how we did. My Dad reminded me that its ok to be angry, but do not push AWAY from God, but push INTO him in times like this.  Maybe one day it will make sense to me, but right now it doesn't. Im going to do my best, but I know it is going to be a process. I have a few books I plan to review on pregnancy loss, and my bible.....just need to pull them out and use them. Ive also had a friend refer me to one of her friends that went through the same thing. I think maybe talking with her will help. I also joined an online pregnancy loss blog that I think is helpful. Its comforting to know that the way I feel is normal , and it is very sad to know so many woman experience this, but also comforting knowing I am not the only one.

In the meantime, I am planning on getting a gym membership and getting in the best shape I can. I don't know if we will try again, but if we do I want to be as healthy as possible so I can have a successful pregnancy.