Thursday, January 31, 2013

Another day goes by ...Day 2

I woke up today with nothing but emptiness inside. My baby is gone. Left behind as we came home. Gone. All the dreams I had went right out the window. All Shaun's dreams shattered. I cant even pick up my phone to call anyone. I just want to be alone with my husband. Don't take it personal. I didn't enjoy every moment of the pregnancy like I had wanted. I had too many other concerns. School, money, death. The umbilical cord was obviously what caused the stillbirth, but I read that cord knots can be from high blood pressure. Something I was dealing with especially the last week. What if I had not gone to school, and just kept taking my time. The week I started school was the week I lost the baby. Is it my fault, was school too stressful even to just think about?

My body is starting to go back to its normal size, and I now notice all the areas that got bigger, because they are now shrinking. I miss the feeling of life in my belly, to know that I was giving life to something. All I want to do is try again. But what if that one turns out the same? I don't know how many times I can go through this heartache. I just want a baby of my own, one of Shaun's own, Someone to call ours. To engrain all of our thoughts and life lessons into.

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