Friday, February 22, 2013

The journey continues ...

Its been awhile since I have been on here. There has been so much going through my head that I wish I would journal, and yet I haven't. Im doing better....being in a normal routine again is good. Keeps my mind busy. Another dear friend of Mine recently lost a baby in their family at 21 weeks. When I heard it broke my heart all over again.....I still think about our baby everyday. Still think about what it would be like, how far along I would be today, etc.... It all doesn't make it any easier. I still have my days, and ended up in tears the other night when I was out. One of Shauns friends didn't know, and when I told her I just lost it. I wasn't sobbing or anything, just could not hold the tears back no matter what I did. I still have days of seclusion and being down, but for the most part I feel like I have a good grip on everything.

I got a gym membership about a week ago. Ive gone a couple times, and look forward to getting myself healthier. They offer lots of classes and stuff, so I plan on taking plenty. I am also starting to get my medical bills. The 3k I put away for delivery, has turned into over 3k in shitty bills. Luckily my MRI was fine, they finally got my headache to go away with medication. Life has returned to what it was. Ive hung out with friends a couple of times, and have so many thoughts of the future. Plans for Shaun and I. Trips, vacations, houses etc.

The last thing I have decided to work on is my spiritual journey. Lately I have totally lost all faith and pleasure in faith. Not by choice, but I cant help it. I prayed every single day that passed and yet it wasn't good enough. When my aunt came out, she later emailed me and said " One of the more important gifts Grandma had to share was her faith, It helped make lifes journey joyful".  This really made me think I need put some effort back in my faith, but remember that I cant bargain with God, and need to be prepared that we may never have kids, no matter how much I pray. But maybe finding peace will help with any path I am sent.... 

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