Saturday, March 2, 2013

Can you say anxiety!?

I was having a rather good day, decided to get online and look at instructional videos on how to improve my disc golf drive, and under my you tube I am logged in as myself so when searching through, there are recommended videos for me to watch based on my search history. So here I am watching disc golf and in the right hand side there is a video about someone having triplets, I of course click on the video after ignoring it for almost a month. I'm telling myself its may be helpful and "therapeutic". I watch the video and more options start popping up and there were two videos on there about people losing there babies, showed pictures, told the story etc. The last video I watched ended up ending with a picture of the husband, wife and baby at 15 weeks..... It started to make me think about how our son was only a few weeks older, meaning he looked about like that only more developed.... Instantly a rush of anxiety took over me. My heart rate instantly went up, I felt severely anxious and literally even felt like I was hyperventilating. I literally had to close the computer right away, get up walk around, get some water and a few big deep breaths. This is crazy, I cant believe it still hits  me like this. Luckily, I have Ativan for moments like these.... I am just now coming down from this unexpected overwhelming experience and it does make it better to write it out and realize what I need to add to my "needs work" list. Step 1, don't look at You Tube videos about pregnancy loss!!!

I thought through the whole process all over again, almost wishing I would have seen him but also realizing I am glad I didn't, who knows how I would be if I had. I am slowly starting to process all aspects of this experience in extreme detail until I can not wrack my brain with it anymore... Going to the gym has been very helpful . Ive gone 9/12 days and get on the cardio machine, turn up the music and go. I have been going minimum of an hour, and I am amazed at how much doing cardio and listening to music will get me thinking. Im realizing the gym is a good place to sort out thoughts, and any time I get angry or sad  I just pedal harder and faster...

No comments:

Post a Comment